Boundaries

 

Hello!!  I was pondering whether or not to write this publicly or just to keep it to myself!  I have had a few things happened over the last few days and I realise it has triggered me.  Fortunately I have been aware enough to understand that the things that others have said or done maybe insignificant to them, and I have paused before responding or have not responded as I realise that it is yet another attack or challenge on my boundaries.

For me having strong boundaries is a lesson that I am taking a long while in learning!!  I am aware that my boundaries may be too loose / lax in several areas of my life, and when this happens, it invites or encourages others to "take advantage"of me.  However, before that sounds like a victim statement - yes that is true but also it only happens when we do not have clear boundaries.  If we have clear and strong boundaries, there is no invitation to others to take advantage and no space for them to be able to do that.

So if I (or you) find yourself in the situation where it seems to be a pattern where we feel disrespected, or where we feel others take advantage of our good nature, or where we feel that others have overstepped the mark - then the good (or bad news) is that the work starts now with us!!  We are allowing or inviting this to happen.

This has happened to me over the last few days.  The details of what happened and what was said is irrelevant - it is just the story and serves nobody.  It is the theme that matters.

Is this familiar to any of you?

Someone says something to you, maybe directly or indirectly challenges something you have done  / not done / said.

You explain (justify) your reasons and then leave the situation feeling rubbish and that somehow you are in the wrong?

You feel angry or annoyed with the other person for daring to suggest x y z.

You feel disappointed in yourself that no matter what you said or thought, you felt "wrong"

You leave the situation having an argument with yourself - blaming the other person in your head but feeling rubbish about yourself - as you recognise the pattern.  If you were to talk it through with others, they would probably agree that you were right and the other was wrong BUT that still doesn't take away that yucky feeling you now have.

Anyone else - ever feel like this?  I am sure it is not only me!

So this is where I am now.

Except I know this is an opportunity to deal once and for all with this sticky, icky issue of boundaries.  I have done enough work on myself over the years and have enough self awareness to know that my poor boundaries come back from way back, from an operating system of "I'm not good enough." from feeling it is somehow not OK for me to say a clear NO or to stand up for myself, from an unconscious pattern that I have to be "nice," that other peoples feelings and what others may say is more important than what I believe, want or need.

Yes - anyone else?

So what does this mean?  It means we almost prostitute ourselves in trying to be all things to all people and ignore our own self.  We ignore that part deep inside of us that says enough - because we somehow value the other persons feelings more than ours.

So how do we deal with this:

1) How do we deal with how we are feeling now - and what action do we take / how do we change from the inside.

2) How do we draw our boundaries so that these situations do not happen again.

I will continue with this in my next blog - but now - please let me know, does this ring true for any of you?  Would you be interested in reading more? Or do you have rock solid boundaries and it never happens to you?  Looking forward to your comments on this so far!

Allison xx